It Takes A Village to Raise a Child
But we aren't used to letting the village help
Growing up, I remember one of the proudest things I could say is “I did it all on my own.” In fact, I use that phrase with my son all the time. He rolled over for the first time, “Good job! You did it all on your own!” We didn't acknowledge that my husband and I gently guided him for weeks trying to get him to turn over.
Many of us are raised to view achieving things independently as a sign of success, so much so that when it comes to parenting, we think the same rules apply. We’re successful if we “handled it” Olivia Pope style, and never needed help.
It turns out that from an evolutionary standpoint, we are not supposed to go through child rearing alone. NPR recently shared how “alloparenting,” as in having others in addition to the primary parent take care of your child, is what humans always did. It really is supposed to take a village, and many cultures have unlocked this practice and hold on to it to this day.
My first six weeks postpartum, I observed a traditional Greek confinement period in which I was meant to bond with the baby and heal while our families took care of us. There are some religious aspects to it as well, tradition dictating that mother and baby cannot leave the house until a priest blesses them 40 days later, but we were a bit lax on the staying in part. We were fortunate enough to have our parents come almost every day to help take care of the house and bring food while I recovered. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, because while I’m used to my mom rambling around my kitchen, I’m not used to being incapable of rambling with her.
This period turned out to be a blessing however, because at my one-week postpartum checkup, my doctor gave me strict orders to do nothing except “hold my baby, feed my baby” until I felt better. Without the additional support, our Doordash bill would have been through the roof and my recovery would have taken much longer. While our moms ensured we had nourishing meals to give us energy, I focused on healing my aching body, learning to breastfeed and pump, and getting to know the tiny bundle of joy that needed me 24/7.
I realize I am very fortunate to have family who could help, and the time off work to have a postpartum recovery period. To all you parents doing it with less help, whether by choice or by circumstance, I salute you. You’re the true heroes.
In the US, we still value independence and many of us worry that if we seek help, we’re bad parents (hi, it me). We tell mama, you got this! We ask new parents to let us know if they need anything, but many moms and dads will hesitate to reach out for fear of appearing incapable of taking care of their kid. If you know a new parent, consider joining their village. Bring them coffee, send them groceries or dinner, offer to wash the dishes or come and sit with them to fold laundry for a day. Anything to let them know you’re in their corner and they don’t need to worry about handling it all.
Did you observe a postpartum confinement period after you gave birth? I’d love to hear about your experience!
Postpartum Practices from Around the World
So many cultures have similar practices like our Greek tradition. I rounded up some of my favorite ones from around the world. While these all differ in practice, they all have the same goal: to give the mom time to heal and bond with the baby. Whether you’re past your leave, or are gearing up for one, I believe there are a few healing practices below that we can integrate in some capacity into our postpartum journeys.
Mexico: La Cuarentena is a 40-day period that allows time for the woman’s body to “close” since giving birth left it “open” and therefore more susceptible to illness. The women in the mother’s community take over the household chores, cook, and even watch over the older kids so the new mom can bond with her newborn. Mothers’ bellies are also wrapped using a faja, to support the tummy and help it get back to its original size.
India: For the period known as Jappa, postpartum moms move in with their mother or female relatives to be taken care of for 40 days. Jappa observes 5,000 year-old ayurvedic practices and includes a daily bath, massage, and belly-binding ritual for mom to help shrink her uterus and push her abdominal muscles back together. The baby also gets a massage to help with sleep and digestion.
China: During the 30-day period of zuò yuè zi, mothers are watched over to make sure they are recovering properly, including their diet, body temperature, and amount of rest. The mother cannot go barefoot and has to wear warmer clothes than usual since she is believed to be most susceptible to cold and air. Avoiding the cold is a recurring theme, in such that moms are not allowed to have any iced or cold beverages, and are encouraged to stay hydrated with teas and brothy soups, like this pig feet papaya soup.
A weekly roundup of personal tips and helpful finds
10-Minute Inspo. Watch the speech America Ferrara gives receiving the See-her award at the Critics Choice awards. It’s a great message to persevere, be a role model, and be a trailblazer in whatever you do.
Celeb Veg Watch: After America Ferrara, fangirl over this Devil’s Wears Prada reunion with Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway reminiscing about the movie that brought them together and what they’re up to now. (Variety).
Easy Life Hacks. You won’t find me making many New Year’s resolutions, but I do enjoy tidying up my life when I can. This list of hacks to declutter your life is a pretty easy one, and you can accomplish many of them while hanging out with the baby. (The Everygirl)
Kid’s Book Rec: In My Heart, a Book of Feelings. This book takes your little ones through the full spectrum of feelings your heart can feel, and reaffirms that all feelings are ok. The hardcover features beautiful illustrations and cut outs that also make it interactive for kids.
Baby Winter Must: I imagine you also live somewhere where it feels like a frozen tundra right now, yes? If so, consider adding a fleece car seat cover to keep your little one warm safely. It was our workaround since most experts do not recommend using a puffy coat in the infant car seat.
Cook: As the New York Times put it, it’s potato degrees outside. Why not go for a comforting bowl of potato soup? Bonus, you can set it and forget it by making it in the slow-cooker. (Gimme Some Oven)
Gimme Some Oven
This week’s mom win comes from Cecilia L:
After breastfeeding for 1-year, I recently successfully weaned! It was emotional to transition away from breastfeeding, but I’m so proud of myself for making it this far.
Amazing, you go Cecilia!
Each week we’ll feature a mom win from one of our readers. If you have a win you’d like to share, please leave a comment below and we will feature you in an upcoming issue.
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After 7 days of sleep training (and lots of crying), my son successfully slept through the night (11 hours!) after weaning him from the swaddle AND a middle of the night bottle. He also decided to roll over for the first time ever that same night and scared mom and dad, but we'll take the wins where we can get them!