Mom Guilt, My Dear Friend
It's time to let go.
In my third trimester, I was convinced I would go into labor early so I spent all my free time working through a made-up to-do list to help me feel ready for the baby. I cleaned, organized, and freezer meal prepped to my nesting heart’s content. Three days before my due date I found myself with an entirely completed to-do list. It was the middle of August and I felt too heavy and hot to go anywhere, so I did the opposite of what I thought I would be doing right before my due date. Nothing. I spent two days enjoying true me-time. I asked my husband not to bother me, while I curled up on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, watching movies, and finishing the last of my library books. I sat in silence, savoring the independence.
Six months later, I think back to those days and am grateful that I took that time. Since having the baby, most of my alone time is now synonymous with a pumping session. Outside of that, when I do take time for myself, I struggle to fully enjoy it.
I make plans to go out with friends for brunch, but right before I leave, I wonder if I’m hurting the baby by not being with him. If I have a phone call with a friend one night, the next night I encourage my husband to take an hour while I watch our son so I can make up for yesterday. At night when the baby has gone to sleep, I battle with myself if I should relax and watch the Daily Show or if I should fold the laundry, pick up the toys, wipe down the counters, fill in the baby book, track down my W2s for tax returns, respond to that text from my aunt… you get the idea. I am constantly thinking about how to make the most of my time, and if I’m not using it in a way that improves my household’s livelihood, I feel guilty. And the funny thing is, no one is making me feel this way. I have a supportive husband who encourages me to take time for myself, and more often than not will offer to take the baby so I can rest.
Webster’s dictionary defines guilt as “feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.” Moms - the very definition tells us that this feeling is imagined! But where does that feeling come from? We feel mom guilt because we have constructed an ideal mother from what we see on social media. We feel guilty when we struggle to do it all because in the US, moms are supposed to be able to handle family and work on their own.
Zoe Blaskey, of the Motherkind podcast, has a great episode on mom guilt and tools to help us recoup time for ourselves and not feel bad about it. My favorite piece of advice is that 80% of what we’re feeling is not guilt, and to focus on what the real feeling is to address it. For example, we may be holding ourselves to an unrealistic standard set by social media. Or, we may realize that much of our guilt is really tension over the fact that we can’t be in two places at once. Once we identify this tension, we can accept it and let it go because no one can be in two places at once (yes, even you).
As we head into a new week, let’s be mindful of what we’re really feeling, accept it and let it go, and be kinder to ourselves.
A weekly roundup of personal tips and helpful finds
Stop Feeling Guilty About Screen Time We all do it, and it’s ok. Dr. Becky from Good Inside shares tips on how to set your own rules around screen time. (Well+Good)
Taylor Tomlinson, Have it All Comedy Standup on Netflix. Take a guilt-free hour after the kids go to sleep and enjoy the honest and hilarious account of this millennial woman’s career and social life. (Netflix)
World’s Toughest Job: Do yourself a favor and watch this viral video making the rounds on Instagram. I teared up. (@therainmakerfamily)
Is Gentle Parenting Producing Entitled Kids? A fascinating think piece of gentle vs permissive parenting. (Newsweek)
Kid’s Book Rec: Inventors who Changed the World. Ranging from the inventions of Leonardo DaVinci to Marie Curie, this book for your little one is a fun introduction to the meaning of perseverance and innovation.
Cook: Breakfast for dinner. If like me, breakfast is your favorite meal and want to elevate your cereal for dinner habit, try any of these 25 fun and easy recipe suggestions. (Martha Stewart).
Photo: Armando Rafael, MarthaStewart.com
This week’s mom win comes from Alicia F.
Our 18-month old used to eat anything we would give him, but recently did a complete 180 and became a super picky eater. He especially refuses any vegetables now. I found some recipes online to sneak vegetables into muffins and broccoli tots. He loves them! He has no idea there are veggies in there, but it works for us!
I’m definitely filing that one for future reference.
Each week we’ll feature a mom win from one of our readers. If you have a win you’d like to share, please leave a comment below and we will feature you in an upcoming issue.
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